Money Panic in Divorce

One of the hardest moments for a couple in the collaborative divorce process or mediation is when they see that their projected budgets exceed their monthly income.  In my office that moment comes when we are all looking at the budget form on a large computer monitor.  The last number is plugged into the form and the totals appear at the bottom.  Then…

Silence.  Or moans.  Sometimes tears.  For the really loose couples, laughter.

This moment taps into what can be a couples’ deepest fears about whether they and/or their children are going to be OK. 

Here is the interesting thing that I’ve found:  This moment is the same for most people, no matter how much money they make.

Couples that make $500,000 a year (or more) typically have the same reaction as the couples that make $50,000 a year (or less).  Almost invariably, their projected budgets exceed their incomes.

And, almost invariably, it works out.  Through some combination of raising incomes, lowering expenses or using assets, couples find solutions to their financial and cash flow issues.

The point of this is that if you are facing a separation or a divorce, try not to let the cash flow and financial issues panic you.  Understand that the fears about money are part of the process. There is almost always a solution out there, no matter your income level.  You may just need to work harder to find it.

Psycho Ex-Spouses

There is one big reason why I choose to represent divorce clients in collaborative divorce, mediation and other non-litigation processes:  Avoiding this. 

The story of The Psycho Ex Wife blog is awful.  It is the story of a couple with two children who were divorced but could not stop fighting.

Eventually, Anthony Morelli started the blog to essentially derogate his wife and say all of the nasty things about her that he could imagine.  And, to spread the love, he got his new wife involved in the fun.

I’m not sure how he thought this blog was in the best interests of his children.  As the judge in his case correctly pointed out, it seems unlikely that Morelli can adequately focus on both the best interests of his children and destroying their mother on the internet. 

In fact, child psychologists will tell you that one parent’s out of control anger towards the other will almost always have seriously negative implications for the children. After all, what kind of anger management is he modeling for his kids?  And, who really comes off as psycho?

However, based on the 200,000 visitors a month, and the number of visitors sharing their anger about an ex-spouse, it seems that this kind of nightmare divorce scenario is all too common these days. 

The good news is that there are good ways to get divorced without generating so much anger and hatred.  Is anger a natural emotion in a divorce?  Absolutely.   But, through collaborative divorce and mediation, the anger is processed and managed so that both parents and children can move on without having to live in the anger of the divorce for years down the road.

After all, what is the point of getting divorced if you are going to spend the rest of your life letting your ex-spouse still control so much of your time and energy?

Can you imagine what Anthony Morelli and his new wife could accomplish if they spent less time focusing on how angry they are, and invested that time into something more productive?   How much more time could they devote to their kids, their marriage, their careers, or, here’s a crazy thought, doing something constructive in the world?  And, how must the new wife feel about her husband being so wrapped up in his ex-wife? 

Bottom Line:  If you want to spend your days blogging about how crazy your ex is, then by all means, choose an adversarial process for your divorce.  Court rooms and hostile attorneys are the perfect recipe for that kind of post-divorce misery.

But, if you would actually like to move on from your divorce in some sort of healthy way so that you can focus on something other than how much you hate your ex, then collaborative divorce or mediation may be your answer.  

Divorcing? Learn From LeBron

In emotionally charged situation, its not so much what you do, but how you do it.

Just ask LeBron James.

One of my colleagues is a Cleveland native.  I never understood why the people in Cleveland hated James so much after he left.  After all, he had created a lot of money and good will for Cleveland for years (about $300 million per year according to one estimate). Then I talked to my colleague.  He explained that it wasn’t the fact that LeBron left.  Rather it was how he left that caused the hard feelings.  James’ timing, and the show he made of his signing with Miami kind of rubbed it in Cleveland’s face.  Clevelanders feel that James hurt his old team as much as he could on the way out.  At the very least, they feel that he was coldly disrespectful in his departure process.

As a result, James is a pariah in Cleveland, and even in Ohio at large.  In case you didn’t know, James is a Cleveland native.  But, now he can’t even go home without hearing it from local fans.  He literally went from hometown hero to public enemy number one.  And only recently has he acknowledged this mistake.

James could easily have preserved his name and reputation in Cleveland if he had handled things in a more effective manner.

What does this have to do with divorce?

I don’t know of a much more emotionally charged situation than divorce. 

Like the James situation, divorcing couples are facing changes.  However, divorcing couples are facing a much more personal and emotionally charged situation than the melodramatic James debacle. 

The repercussions of a divorcing couples’ divorce process will have far more serious consequences for their children, families and financial lives than a sports story.

Therefore, the “how” of a divorce typically has a far greater impact than the actual decision to divorce.  Couples can choose to resolve their differences in the co-parenting and financial aspects of a divorce without losing their dignity or the respect of their spouse.  Or, they can choose to go about things in a deceitful, combative, and positional fashion. 

Couples can choose to work together in a collaborative divorce or even mediation.  Or, they can choose to go after each other in court. 

Child specialists will tell you that the way a couple divorces typically has more impact on a child than the fact that the parents are divorced.  Mental health experts will tell you that this is true for parents as well.

If you are considering a separation or divorce, then give some serious thought to how you handle that divorce. 

After all, as LeBron James learned, it’s not necessarily what you do, but how you do it.

Randolph (Tré) Morgan III is an avid sports fan and an experienced family law and collaborative divorce attorney accepting cases in Raleigh, Cary, Apex, Garner, Fuquay-Varina, Clayton, Smithfield, Wake Forest, RTP, Durham, Chapel Hill, Holly Springs and surrounding areas.  He focuses his practice in divorce, child custody, alimony, child support, equitable distribution, property division, paternity, guardianship and other family related matters.  

The Divorce High Road

Historically, few people travelled the high road of divorce.  This has been true in the past because the adversarial nature of the American justice system creates a “me versus you” structure to divorce. 

However, as new “non-court” legal processes like mediation and collaborative divorce have developed, lawyers have been able to offer clients a chance to take the high road in resolving their child custody, alimony, property division, and child support issues (while usually saving untold amounts of time, money and destruction).  These processes reject the "me versus you" approach of the courts with a joint problem solving approach borrowed from psychology, business and politics.  

As highlighted by this Huffington Post article on taking the high road in divorce, most people’s greatest concern in their divorce is their children.  The article highlights how taking the high road actually protects children from the negative impacts of divorce. 

This divorcee’s story is an example of the changing face of divorce:  From fear based mudslinging to respectful and dignified discussions.   As the author’s personal story reveals, taking the high road is not the easiest road, but it is usually the best road.

Randolph (Tré) Morgan III is an experienced family law attorney catering his practice to clients who want to walk the high road of divorce in Raleigh, Cary, Apex, Garner, Fuquay-Varina, Clayton, Smithfield, Wake Forest, RTP, Durham, Chapel Hill, Holly Springs and surrounding areas.  He focuses his practice in divorce, child custody, alimony, child support, equitable distribution, property division, paternity, guardianship and other family related matters.  

New Divorce Options Presentation

I find that many clients are completely unaware that they can actually choose the process for resolving their family law or divorce issues.  

As many people are stunned to discovery, in North Carolina you don't have to go to court to resolve the issues of property division, cash flow, support (alimony and child support), and co-parenting (child custody).

While a legal divorce does require court action, the other and usually more pressing issues can be resolved privately, through a number of other processes.  

I have created a presentation that explains the basics of each process and briefly analyzes the pros and cons of each.  This was initially presented to a large Triangle company through its employee services program.  But, I think many more people can benefit from this information.

This informaiton may help you discuss your options with each other, and with any professionals that you consult.  

Feel free to contact me if you have questions about this information.