Top Five Slightly Sarcastic Co-Parenting Tips for the Holidays

The holidays can be stressful.  And they can be especially stressful for families in the midst of a separation or divorce.  But, there are some better and worse ways to handle the holidays.  Here are five tips to help you avoid mistakes that I've seen others make (it's late in the year and my sarcasm filter is a bit fatigued, so excuse the snark):

1.         Don’t Hog the Kids:  Big holidays are important to kids.  They want to share the experiences with both parents and maybe even both sides of the extended family.  Just because you don’t care whether the kids see the other parent for these holidays doesn’t mean that it’s not important to the kids.

2.         Gift Giving is Not a Competition:  Don’t try to outdo or show-up the other parent with your over-the-top gift deluge.  You can’t buy your kids’ love; they already love you.  And, if they don’t, then that life size robotic T-Rex from the Times Square Toys R Us isn’t going to change that.

3.         Respect Traditions:  Kids like their family’s traditions (well, usually anyway).  Traditions represent stability and predictability for kids, something they are desperately looking for in the midst of a separation or divorce.   Maybe you’d rather eat a giant bowl of Aunt Bethany’s lime Jell-O mold with the cat food topping (anybody catch that reference?) than go on that caroling trip through the neighborhood.  But, that doesn’t mean that the kids don’t like it. 

4.         Don’t Argue About The Holidays In Front of the Kids:  Wanna know how to ruin the holidays for the kids?  Get in a fight about the holidays in front of the kids!  They’ll really come to cherish the annual holiday family shouting match.  Good times.

5.         Don’t Force the Kids to Choose Their Holiday Schedule:  Another stellar way to take the fun out of the kids’ holidays is to tell them “You get to choose whom to spend the holidays with!”  No pressure.  “Dear Santa:  You know, toys are great and all, but this year for Christmas I would like to be faced with a no-win decision that forces me to choose between two people that I love dearly, with the risk of terribly disappointing one of them!  And, if you can fit some self-esteem and peace of mind in your sack for next year, that would be great.  I think I’m gonna need it.  Love, Timmy.”

HOLIDAY BONUS!  (Sorry if you were expecting a Jelly of the Month Club membership):  

6.  Have a Conversation About When To Reveal the Santa Clause Truth:  If you really want a lump of coal, then go ahead and tell your kids that Santa isn't real without consulting the other parent.  Imagine the Christmas joy when the other parent finds out that their 5 year old doesn't believe in Santa anymore because you let the cat out of the bag!  Seriously, it's the gift that keeps on giving.  If the kids at school get to your kids first, then so be it.  But, nobody likes a Grinch.  Except for Cindy Lou Who and Martha May Who.  And they're not real.

Empathic Communication Crucial to Negotiation

Perhaps the most crucial foundational skill of productive negotiation and communication is the ability to empathize with the other person.  Empathic communication (also known as “Non-violent communication”) is the cornerstone of the collaborative divorce process and interest based mediation. 

But, in the world of adversarial, positional and leverage based legal negotiations, this is a foreign concept.  Even today, in the vast majority of legal negotiations, the goal is not to understand the other party, but to “win”.  Period.  This seems to be especially true in divorce, custody, alimony, equitable distribution and other family law related cases.

The legal profession as a whole is simply behind the times in negotiation skills and processes. 

The business world has understood the importance of understanding and empathy between parties to a negotiation for decades.

As early as 1989, Stephen R. Covey, in his bestselling book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People named empathic interest based communication as one of the seven habits.  Covey calls the habit “Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood.”

This book has been widely read and applied to the business world for over 20 years. 

Here’s what Covey has to say about empathy: 

“When I say empathic listening, I mean listening with the intent to understand.  I mean seeking first to understand, to really understand.  It’s an entirely different paradigm.”

“Empathic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference.  You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel.”

“Empathy is not sympathy.  The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it’s that you fully, deeply, understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually.”

“Empathic listening is so powerful because it give you accurate data to work with.” 

“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is…to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.”

“When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air.  And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving.”

From a negotiation standpoint, the bottom line points are:

1. That seeing the situation from the other party’s point of reference is crucial.
2. That you do not have to agree with the viewpoint, just understand it.
3. That empathic listening produces accurate data for the negotiation.
4. You cannot influence the other person or problem solve until you have sought to understand the other party. 

Whether you are involved in a business negotiation or a divorce negotiation, understanding the crucial role that empathic communication plays in the conversation will be the foundation to finding an intelligent, durable and mutually beneficial resolution.

The Divorce High Road

Historically, few people travelled the high road of divorce.  This has been true in the past because the adversarial nature of the American justice system creates a “me versus you” structure to divorce. 

However, as new “non-court” legal processes like mediation and collaborative divorce have developed, lawyers have been able to offer clients a chance to take the high road in resolving their child custody, alimony, property division, and child support issues (while usually saving untold amounts of time, money and destruction).  These processes reject the "me versus you" approach of the courts with a joint problem solving approach borrowed from psychology, business and politics.  

As highlighted by this Huffington Post article on taking the high road in divorce, most people’s greatest concern in their divorce is their children.  The article highlights how taking the high road actually protects children from the negative impacts of divorce. 

This divorcee’s story is an example of the changing face of divorce:  From fear based mudslinging to respectful and dignified discussions.   As the author’s personal story reveals, taking the high road is not the easiest road, but it is usually the best road.

Randolph (Tré) Morgan III is an experienced family law attorney catering his practice to clients who want to walk the high road of divorce in Raleigh, Cary, Apex, Garner, Fuquay-Varina, Clayton, Smithfield, Wake Forest, RTP, Durham, Chapel Hill, Holly Springs and surrounding areas.  He focuses his practice in divorce, child custody, alimony, child support, equitable distribution, property division, paternity, guardianship and other family related matters.  

Heart-Breaking Custody Case from California

A California judge decided a unique child custody case this week.  The judge was required to decide whether a paralyzed and disabled mom who cannot speak should see her children. 

As chronicled in this heart-breaking article, Abbie Dorn was paralyzed during the delivery of the triplets that are at the center of this case and has remained severely disabled. 

The children’s father argued that Ms. Dorn is no longer capable of being a mother.  Ms. Dorn’s attorney countered that Ms. Dorn can contribute to her children’s lives even without the ability to move or speak.

I do not know what the laws of California say about this matter.  I suspect that, like most states, California’s courts put the best interest of the children at the forefront of child custody rulings. 

I suppose reasonable arguments can and have been made for both sides.  However, it seems to me a dangerous precedent for a court to determine that a parent’s value to their child’s life is solely dependent on the parent’s physical abilities. After all, this is the only mother these kids will ever have.  

Perhaps for these reasons, the judge ruled that even if the mother cannot interact with her children, her children can interact with her.  The judge then ruled that the children should see their mother for a set period of time every year.  

There are some legal intricacies in this case that are of interest to lawyers only. 

But, it seems to me that the real lesson of this case is that whatever limitations you believe that your spouse may have as a person and a parent, the courts know that each parent has value to their children (abusive and dangerous parents aside).  And, the courts will work very hard to foster a child’s relationship with each parent. This court required cross country travel just so the kids could be with their mom, touch her and see her smile.

That is something to think about the next time you get frustrated with the other parent of your child and think about going to court.

Unexpected Costs of Child Custody Battles

There are many costs involved in fighting a custody battle in court.  Some of these costs are obvious;  attorneys’ fees, delays in reaching resolution, acrimony and stress for parents, families and children are par for the course in a child custody lawsuit.

But, as Halle Berry’s recent custody battle highlights, custody fights can take a toll on all areas of the parents’ lives, including their careers.  

Berry recently left the set of a movie she was filming due to her custody battle.  While we can’t know for sure, I would venture to guess that she gave up a large sum of money when she left that set. 

Berry has the luxury of leaving a high paying job to manage the stress, work and trauma of a custody battle. She will easily find jobs in the future and she will hardly miss the income from this one movie. 

But, most of us cannot afford to sacrifice a job to keep up with a custody lawsuit.  Therefore, we have to manage the stress, time demands, emotions and financial costs of a custody battle while also trying to keep our jobs.   Many parents find this very difficult, but only discover the difficulties of litigation after they are neck deep in the quicksand of a lawsuit.

Before you decide whether to resolve your child custody dispute in court, analyze whether you can afford all of the potential costs.  If you have any doubts, I would encourage you to investigate non-litigation options before filing a lawsuit.

Randolph (Tré) Morgan III is an experienced family law attorney accepting cases in Raleigh, Cary, Apex, Garner, Fuquay-Varina, Clayton, Smithfield, Wake Forest, RTP, Durham, Chapel Hill, Holly Springs and surrounding areas.  He focuses his practice in divorce, child custody, alimony, child support, equitable distribution, property division, paternity, guardianship and other family related matters.