5 Tips for Protecting Your Kids in Divorce

The vast majority of my clients with children share one huge concern:  My divorce will ruin my children’s chances of being happily married. 

Fortunately, the research does not support the idea that divorce, by itself, negatively impacts the odds of a child being happily married. 

The research does show that the most important factor for kids of divorce is not that their parents were divorced, but the level of ongoing conflict between the parents.

So, if you want to protect your child from the negative effects of divorce, follow these guidelines:

1. De-escalate conflict between you and your spouse whenever possible;
2. Address conflict as quickly as possible so that mole hills do not become mountains;
3. Choose a divorce process that promotes peace and problem-solving, like collaborative divorce or interest based mediation;
4. Choose lawyers that promote problem solving and non-combative tactics;
5. Treat your spouse as the parent of your children, and not as your enemy.

These steps will not make your divorce easy for you or your child.  But, they will help insulate your child from the lasting negative impacts of divorce.  

New Protections Against False Paternity and Child Support Claims in North Carolina

As of January 1 of this year, men in North Carolina have some new protections from false paternity claims. 

Since the beginning of this year, new laws have been in effect that provide new procedures for men who want to dispute that they are the father of a child. 

The legislature amended or created three laws that give fathers a clear-cut process for asking a court to officially declare that they are not the father of a child.

Specifically the new laws provide a way to ask a court to overturn a paternity order, an affidavit of parentage or a child support order if the father believes he is not the father of the child. 

However, the alleged father has only one year from the time he knew or had reason to know that he was not the father to challenge paternity under these new laws.

The new laws for overturning paternity orders or affidavits of parentage require two showings:  First, a father must prove that the paternity order or affidavit was created by “fraud, duress, mutual mistake, or excusable neglect.”  If a father files a motion alleging sufficient facts, then the court has to order genetic testing of the mother, child and alleged father to determine whether the alleged father is the actual father.

If the alleged father can prove fraud, duress, mutual mistake or excusable neglect AND the genetic tests show that he is not the father, then the court can set aside the paternity order or affidavit. 

Further, a new statute allows men to ask a court to let them out of child support if they can prove by clear and convincing evidence that:

1. He has not acknowledged paternity of the child, or that he acknowledged paternity without knowing that he was not the actual father (“acknowledgement” includes public acknowledgement and supporting the child while married to the mother,  sworn statements and affidavits claiming to be the father, consent orders, voluntary child support agreements, or any other legal agreement to support the child, and admissions of paternity in open court); and

 2. He had not adopted the child; and

 3. He has not legitimated the child; and

4. He is not the child’s legal father under N.C.G.S. 49A-1; and

5. He has not done anything to prevent that actual father from asserting his parental rights to the child; and

6. Genetic testing shows that he is not the actual father.

If the man can show all of the above facts (no juries are used in these cases), then the court is required to cancel the child support obligation.  However, the man generally does not get any money back that has already been paid.  (The man can get any support that he has paid from the filing of this motion until the cancellation of the support obligation if he can prove that the mother conned him into believing he was the father).   The man cannot get any money back if he has been making payments to anyone other than the mother.  The court also has to order that the birth certificate be changed to remove the man’s name.

Men and their attorneys have long cried out for a better way to challenge false paternity claims.  They now have relatively clear processes for defending themselves from these claims. 

Communicating in Divorce: Tone Matters

One of the biggest challenges that many clients face in their divorce is how to communicate with their spouse or ex-spouse.  This especially important when a couple will be co-parenting down the road.

When children are involved, productive communication is crucial to protecting the kids from the ravages of a divorce.

That is easier said than done.  So, the question becomes how to productively communicate?  There is a lot of information about how do to that.  But, in my experience, a lot of it is somewhat hard to really grasp and put into practice in the heat of the moment.

One suggestion that I use is to speak to your spouse or ex-spouse the same way you would speak to your child’s teacher at a parent-teacher conference. 

After all, there are some strong similarities in the conversations.  The goal of a parent teacher conference is frequently the same as communication between divorced or separated parents: discuss issues regarding the kids and possible ways to address those issues.  Further, you may disagree with something the teacher says, you may be offended, and you are certainly emotionally invested in the topic of the conversation, i.e. your child.

Think about how you would speak to your child’s teacher.  What tone would you use?  What things would you say and not say, even if you were thinking them?  What would be your goal?

I suspect you would adopt some combination of the following techniques in a conversation with your child’s teacher:

            Ÿ          Paying attention

            Ÿ          Politeness

            Ÿ          Asking questions to clarify information

            Ÿ          Making an effort to understand what the teacher is saying

            Ÿ          Acting respectfully

            Ÿ          Working together

            Ÿ          Acknowledging the joint interest in your child’s well being

By contrast, you probably would not do the following in a conversation with your child’s teacher:

            Ÿ          Blame the teacher

            Ÿ          Accuse the teacher

            Ÿ          Yell

            Ÿ          Insult the teacher

            Ÿ          Threaten the teacher

            Ÿ          Act rudely

Why?  Because you understand that the teacher has a lot of influence over your child and spends a lot of time with your child.  Because your relationship with that caretaker is very important to your child’s well being. Because you know that you’re going to have to see that teacher again.  Because you actually want to have a productive meeting.  Because you want what is best for your child. 

That being the case, why would you treat your child’s other parent differently?  After all, isn’t your child’s other parent going to be at least as influential and important for your child as the teacher? 

Yes, there may be emotional reasons for treating your ex-spouse differently than your child’s teacher.  But, are your emotional issues more important than your child’s well being?

In my experience, having a parent adopt a tone appropriate for a parent teacher conference sets the stage for a productive collaborative conference or mediation.  And it gives clients an easy reference point, a convenient “go to” mode when they feel themselves struggling to communicate well.   

In my experience, this technique frequently helps, and rarely, if ever hurts.

Psycho Ex-Spouses

There is one big reason why I choose to represent divorce clients in collaborative divorce, mediation and other non-litigation processes:  Avoiding this. 

The story of The Psycho Ex Wife blog is awful.  It is the story of a couple with two children who were divorced but could not stop fighting.

Eventually, Anthony Morelli started the blog to essentially derogate his wife and say all of the nasty things about her that he could imagine.  And, to spread the love, he got his new wife involved in the fun.

I’m not sure how he thought this blog was in the best interests of his children.  As the judge in his case correctly pointed out, it seems unlikely that Morelli can adequately focus on both the best interests of his children and destroying their mother on the internet. 

In fact, child psychologists will tell you that one parent’s out of control anger towards the other will almost always have seriously negative implications for the children. After all, what kind of anger management is he modeling for his kids?  And, who really comes off as psycho?

However, based on the 200,000 visitors a month, and the number of visitors sharing their anger about an ex-spouse, it seems that this kind of nightmare divorce scenario is all too common these days. 

The good news is that there are good ways to get divorced without generating so much anger and hatred.  Is anger a natural emotion in a divorce?  Absolutely.   But, through collaborative divorce and mediation, the anger is processed and managed so that both parents and children can move on without having to live in the anger of the divorce for years down the road.

After all, what is the point of getting divorced if you are going to spend the rest of your life letting your ex-spouse still control so much of your time and energy?

Can you imagine what Anthony Morelli and his new wife could accomplish if they spent less time focusing on how angry they are, and invested that time into something more productive?   How much more time could they devote to their kids, their marriage, their careers, or, here’s a crazy thought, doing something constructive in the world?  And, how must the new wife feel about her husband being so wrapped up in his ex-wife? 

Bottom Line:  If you want to spend your days blogging about how crazy your ex is, then by all means, choose an adversarial process for your divorce.  Court rooms and hostile attorneys are the perfect recipe for that kind of post-divorce misery.

But, if you would actually like to move on from your divorce in some sort of healthy way so that you can focus on something other than how much you hate your ex, then collaborative divorce or mediation may be your answer.  

Divorce Party: Honoring the Marriage in a Divorce

I just recently heard about divorce parties.  While I don’t know anybody that has thrown one, I think that the idea behind them has some wisdom and merit. 

This article about Jack White and Karen Elson’s divorce party points out that a divorce party can be a good thing.

White and Elson threw their party to “honor our time shared.”  

While it is admittedly idealistic, the idea of honoring the time that a married couple spent together, even after a divorce, seems like a valuable exercise.

After all, even in the case of divorce, the time during the marriage has value.  Often that time produces at least some good times for the couple.  It has often led to valued relationships with in-laws and friends.  And, given that many marriages produce children, that time cannot be simply discarded as wasted. 

I may well help the healing process of divorce for a couple to honor the marriage, even though it is ending.  After all, that time cannot be forgotten, cannot be recaptured and cannot be changed.  Choosing to view it in solely a negative light is often both unrealistic and unhealthy. 

While that doesn’t need to involve a divorce party in every case, it is worth acknowledging the value of the time spent together to help both people move forward in health.