Why You May Want a Pre-Nup

Pre-nuptial (also “pre-marital”) agreements are what everybody calls  “pre-nups”. 

Pre-nups have a mixed reputation in our society.  Some people see them as smart protection from gold digging prospective spouses.  Others seem them as cold-hearted unromantic acts that stand in stark contrast to what you’re supposed to be feeling before you get married.

But, most people don’t know about another more positive use of a pre-nup:  An antidote to an ugly divorce™. 

You and your future spouse can create a pre-nup in which you agree to try to avoid an ugly divorce if the marriage doesn’t last forever.

You can sign a pre-nup in which you both agree to attempt to resolve any future divorce, custody, child support, alimony, and property division issues through collaborative divorce or mediation before you go to court. 

This kind of pre-nup doesn’t determine the terms your ultimate resolution.  You don't have to figure it all out ahead of time.  It simply determines the first process that you’ll use to figure out the details if things don’t work out.

A pre-nup cannot prevent a court from ordering financial support to a child.  And, in North Carolina, a court always has the right to enter an order for the custody and support of a child if and when the court finds it necessary.

However, North Carolina courts will enforce pre-nups under current law.

There are many potential benefits of a pre-nup that requires a couple to attempt a collaborative divorce or mediation before going to divorce court.  What are they? 

EMOTIONAL BENEFITS:  From an emotional standpoint, you would be committing to each other that even in the unfortunate event that things don’t work out, you do not want to put each other through the ringer in a divorce. 

Some people have are afraid to get married.  Many of those people have a fear of divorce, instead of a fear of marriage.  And that fear is usually based on their understanding of what a bad divorce looks like.  Maybe they have been a party to a bad divorce as either a spouse or child. 

A pre-nup that requires you to first try to handle a subsequent potential divorce with dignity, grace and respect may take a lot of the fear of divorce away.   And, that, in turn, may take some of the fear of marriage away.  And, less fear seems like a very good thing for the health of any marriage. 

FINANCIAL BENEFITS:  Financially, this kind of pre-nup commits you to processes that seek to preserve your financial well being in the divorce process.  Both collaborative divorce and mediation are based on the idea that people don’t want to spend their life’s savings on divorce attorneys and court battles.

LEGAL BENEFITS:  Legally, collaborative divorce and mediation open an almost limitless range of options for resolving divorce issues that are frequently not available in court.  These options often serve families far better than the limited options that a judge faces. 

Nobody wants to think about divorce when they are thinking about getting married.  But, we do it anyway.   Rather than letting it be a scary idea that sits in the back of your mind, you can plan for that “what-if” before you get married.

After all, agreeing in a pre-nup not to go to war in the event of a future divorce is an act of love in itself.  And, it may be a good step towards ensuring that your pre-nup never matters.  

Update: Family Financial Settlement Mediation Certification

I am happy to announce that I have been certified to mediate court-ordered Family Financial cases by the North Carolina Dispute Resolution Commission (NCDRC).  

While I have mediated family financial issues by for families that selected me in the past, I am now certified for court appointed mediations in the family law field.

This means that judges in Wake and surrounding counties can appoint me to mediate equitable distribution, alimony and other financial issues in family law matters.  

I look forward to continuing to help families resolve their financial problems as a NCDRC Certified Family Financial Settlement mediator.

The Soul Mate Myth?

Many authors and theorists have proposed that the idea of a “soul mate” is a basis for our high divorce rate. 

The summary of this argument is that if you believe that your soul mate is out there, then you believe that marriage will work if you just find the right person. 

Thus, if marriage gets hard, then you married the wrong person.   

In short, believing in a soul mate is believing that marriage is about the other person's personality, not our own efforts.  Or, so the argument goes.

Timothy and Kathy Keller argue against the soul mate idea in their recent book, The Meaning of Marriage. The following excerpt succinctly makes their point:

 You never marry the right person

The Bible explains why the quest for compatibility seems to be so impossible. As a pastor I have spoken to thousands of couples, some working on marriage-seeking, some working on marriage-sustaining and some working on marriage-saving. I’ve heard them say over and over, “Love shouldn’t be this hard, it should come naturally.” In response I always say something like: “Why believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to hit a fastball’? Would someone who wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It shouldn’t be hard to create believable characters and compelling narrative’?” The understandable retort is: “But this is not baseball or literature. This is love. Love should just come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul-mates. “

The Christian answer to this is that no two people are compatible. Duke University Ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas has famously made this point:

Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.

We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.

Their point is made from a Christian perspective.  But, the point stands regardless of religious or spiritual issues:  “The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.”

Food for thought for those married or wanting to be married.  I certainly see the soul mate belief echoed in many clients and their spouses.  

I don't know whether the soul mate belief contributes to our divorce rate, and we may never know for sure.  But, I do think some serious consideration of the issue helps immunize a marriage from divorce.

Immunizing Your Marriage Against Divorce

In my experience, differing and unmet expectations are often the genesis for divorces.

Typically, tension develops because the husband and wife entered the marriage with unspoken but differing expectations about the issues they will confront after the wedding.

Those differing expectations can create conflict.  Unresolved conflict creates rifts in marriages.  Rifts create divorces.

One way to immunize your marriage against divorce is to learn to resolve conflict effectively.  That is something that typically takes time to learn and very few people possess that skill on the day they are married. 

Another great way to help immunize your marriage against divorce is to identify and address your differing expectations before the wedding.

How do you do this?  Pre-marital counseling is a great tool for identifying potential future conflicts. 

But, if pre-marital counseling is not your cup of tea, there are tremendous benefits to simply having a conversation with your future spouse about some typical issues that I have seen come up in marriages that end in divorce, such as:

- Who will work and how much will they work?  What kind of work/life balance do you expect the other person to maintain?

- How much money do you expect to make as a couple?

Ÿ - What kind of lifestyle do you each expect?

- Will one of you will stay home if you have kids?

- Do you want kids?  How many?

Ÿ - Do you prefer to be financially conservative (lots of saving, low risk moves) or more daring (lower savings, higher risk moves)?

- What kind of parenting styles do you anticipate?

- What are appropriate discipline techniques for your family?

- Where will you spend holidays and who else will be there?

- How involved will your in-laws and extended families be in your lives?

- How will you share the chores of the household?  Will you share them at all?  If not, who is going to do them?

- How clean do you expect your house to be on a regular basis? 

- What kinds of things do you expect to be able to spend money on?

- Who will handle the family finances?  

- Will the family follow a budget? 

- Do you believe in having debt, or are you debt averse?

All of these issues and more can be sources of friction in a marriage if not addressed early on.  Every couple has their own points of conflict.

I have found that many people make assumptions about their future spouse’s feelings on these topics; only to later find out they were wrong.  There’s an old saying about what happens when you “assume”, and it holds true in marriage as well.  Don’t assume what your future spouse thinks about something; find out.

Identifying and discussing these issues early on may not be comfortable. But those conversations will help prevent future conflict and therefore immunize your marriage against divorce down the road.  And that is a truly worthy goal.

Top Five Slightly Sarcastic Co-Parenting Tips for the Holidays

The holidays can be stressful.  And they can be especially stressful for families in the midst of a separation or divorce.  But, there are some better and worse ways to handle the holidays.  Here are five tips to help you avoid mistakes that I've seen others make (it's late in the year and my sarcasm filter is a bit fatigued, so excuse the snark):

1.         Don’t Hog the Kids:  Big holidays are important to kids.  They want to share the experiences with both parents and maybe even both sides of the extended family.  Just because you don’t care whether the kids see the other parent for these holidays doesn’t mean that it’s not important to the kids.

2.         Gift Giving is Not a Competition:  Don’t try to outdo or show-up the other parent with your over-the-top gift deluge.  You can’t buy your kids’ love; they already love you.  And, if they don’t, then that life size robotic T-Rex from the Times Square Toys R Us isn’t going to change that.

3.         Respect Traditions:  Kids like their family’s traditions (well, usually anyway).  Traditions represent stability and predictability for kids, something they are desperately looking for in the midst of a separation or divorce.   Maybe you’d rather eat a giant bowl of Aunt Bethany’s lime Jell-O mold with the cat food topping (anybody catch that reference?) than go on that caroling trip through the neighborhood.  But, that doesn’t mean that the kids don’t like it. 

4.         Don’t Argue About The Holidays In Front of the Kids:  Wanna know how to ruin the holidays for the kids?  Get in a fight about the holidays in front of the kids!  They’ll really come to cherish the annual holiday family shouting match.  Good times.

5.         Don’t Force the Kids to Choose Their Holiday Schedule:  Another stellar way to take the fun out of the kids’ holidays is to tell them “You get to choose whom to spend the holidays with!”  No pressure.  “Dear Santa:  You know, toys are great and all, but this year for Christmas I would like to be faced with a no-win decision that forces me to choose between two people that I love dearly, with the risk of terribly disappointing one of them!  And, if you can fit some self-esteem and peace of mind in your sack for next year, that would be great.  I think I’m gonna need it.  Love, Timmy.”

HOLIDAY BONUS!  (Sorry if you were expecting a Jelly of the Month Club membership):  

6.  Have a Conversation About When To Reveal the Santa Clause Truth:  If you really want a lump of coal, then go ahead and tell your kids that Santa isn't real without consulting the other parent.  Imagine the Christmas joy when the other parent finds out that their 5 year old doesn't believe in Santa anymore because you let the cat out of the bag!  Seriously, it's the gift that keeps on giving.  If the kids at school get to your kids first, then so be it.  But, nobody likes a Grinch.  Except for Cindy Lou Who and Martha May Who.  And they're not real.